Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Learning the Hard Way

"When God is involved, anything can happen. Be open and stay that way. God has a beautiful way of bringing good vibrations out of broken chords."
~ Chuck Swindoll~

Driving home from the airport it was all I could do to keep my head up off the steering wheel. I had just deposited my 12-year-old Kaitlyn and 10-year-old Kelsea on a plane headed to Florida to visit my parents. Three-year-old Lexi and eight-year-old Haley were singing to the radio as I turned into our driveway.

As I got out of the driver’s seat my stomach heaved and I grew dizzy. I steadied myself as I unloaded the girls and herded them into the house. I sank into my favorite overstuffed chair as the girls scurried up to their rooms. “Why am I so exhausted,” I thought to myself. “And why do I feel so bad?”

I snorted as I thought aloud, “I haven’t felt this bad since I was pregnant with Lexi!” I knew that couldn’t possibly be true. I had a tubal ligation after having Lexi. That was impossible. Or was it? The more I tried to dismiss that thought, the more the way I had been feeling started to make sense.

“Oh God! It just can’t be,” I prayed aloud. “I have too much going on!”

Craig and I were the founding and senior pastors at a two year old church plant that was just taking off pretty well. I co-pastored with Craig, led a vibrant, extremely busy women’s ministry, worked a full time job, AND I was the matriarch of our family of six! However, to put my mind at ease, I had to find out.

I called for the girls to get their shoes on and we headed for Wal-Mart. All the way there I kept telling myself it was impossible, this was just to rule it out. Craig was away on a ministry trip so I had no one to “bounce” my insanity off of.

Once in Wal-Mart I grabbed a few necessities for home and then headed for the pharmacy department. I had already passed a couple of church members so I had to grab a pregnancy test and get out of there! I surely wasn’t ready to share my paranoia! I grabbed a test and threw it into my cart underneath a roll of paper towels. Then I raced through the self checkout and headed home with a brief stop at McDonald’s so the girls would be distracted while I took care of business.

Once again I unloaded our purchases and the girls and headed inside. Once I settled them in front of the television with Dora the Explorer and French fries I headed upstairs. As I climbed each step I remember thinking, “Tara, it’s going to be okay, it’s negative. This is impossible!” I also remember thinking, “God, hello, I am freaking out. Tell me this is going to be negative! Tell me it is okay!” God didn’t say a word.

I prepared myself for the 5 minute wait as I placed the test strip into the cup. To my surprise, the strip took less than ten seconds to turn positive. I sank to the floor and wept. “Oh God! How, why would you let this happen?” I don’t know how long I stayed there.

When I went back downstairs I took the girls to a movie. I cried through the entire Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. When we arrived home I bathed the girls and out them to bed. Craig called me with a raving report from his ministry trip. However, I remained silent. I just couldn’t tell him on the phone.

When he arrived home we talked. He was surprised, yet he was not upset like I was. I wasn’t just upset, I was mad. I was angry and I was getting a little ticked off that God was not “doing” something about it!

Everyone I talked to was the same way, happy- almost downright giddy! “It’s a miracle,” they would say. Miracle indeed! The doctors told us there was a .002% chance of me getting pregnant after my procedure! I should have gone out and played LOTTO!

After a few weeks I realized that I was growing bitter. I was sick and I was tired, and I was angry at God. It wasn’t until I was at a doctor’s appointment that it hit me. My doctor, who I grew to love, was a Christian. He had six children of his own. When I voiced my grumblings he didn’t feel sorry for me. He simply said, “Well, the way I see it is if God wants to bless you with a baby, no matter what you do, you’re going to have a baby!”

For the first time I realized that I had been oblivious to the fact that my unplanned, miraculous pregnancy was a blessing from God! Our fifth child was in His plan even if it wasn’t in ours! I was then so grateful to God that despite our actions and my attitude to “block” His blessing, He still found a way!

I learned SO much about God’s love for me and His grace to us all during my pregnancy! In fact, I came to appreciate the fact that my baby would be number “5” in our family- with the number five ,meaning “GRACE.” And that number five baby, well, she was another little girl (yep, we have 5!). We named her “Isabella” meaning “Consecrated by God!” She is definitely part of His awesome plan! She is such an awesome blessing! She is a precious light in our lives! I grin everytime I look at her cherub cheeks! God definitely knew what He was doing!
However, He and I have an understanding about any thoughts on a #6! ;)

"When God is involved, anything can happen. Be open and stay that way. God has a beautiful way of bringing good vibrations out of broken chords."~ Chuck Swindoll~

Thanks to Loni at "Finding Joy in the Morning" for hosting In Other words today!


Nise' said...

What a wonderful story! Our third was a huge surprise, umm blessing. For years I prayed that we would not be the one in whatever with a failed vasectomy.

Denise said...

Thanks for sharing such a blessing of a story.

MiPa said...

Great story! And perfect illustration of God blessing in what man says is impossible. Thank you for sharing.

Mindy said...

THis is the best story! I knew that #5 wasn't planned but I want you to know that it gives me hope!
I want another baby and am still praying and discerning but I do think God wants me to have another one. Hubby is on a different page -- 3 girls is enough he says. I like what your doctor told you and will hang onto that as I pray. And my prayer is that if he wants us to have #4 that he will change hubby's mind.
We shall see!