My Turn

I posted, or reposted Gary Lamb's post about Pastorswives/Churchplanter's wives and I asked readers to answer my nosy questions, and a few of you did... thanks for that!

1.) Does you husband lead/pastor the church himself or do you partner with him in leading/pastoring?

Craig and I co-pastor. We are partners in pastoring just as we are partners in life, marriage, parenting, etc.

2.) Do you prefer that your spouse keeps you in the dark regarding pressures from the church, (i.e. financial, pastoral care, etc.)?

No way.. and he couldn't even if he tried! Come on ladies, you know we are gifted with discernment!

3.) What issues as a wife in ministry do you feel bring you the most grief?

Judgmental people, competition that breeds ugliness (competition should be healthy not tear down), backbiters, complainers, and laziness!

4.) What, if anything, would you add/change about Pastor Lamb's post?

As everyone else has stated, just that there are a variety of levels for a ministry couple to function in a pastorate. Personally, because Craig and I co-pastor, we tend to see couples who share this function gravitate toward us. Those who do not share it, while I do not think they are wrong in the way they function, sometimes have a hard time feeling like they fit. I have experienced the opposite of this dynamic and it is very difficult to try to force yourself in a place that you simply do not identify with. To that woman, to that couple, I say, be true to who God has called you to be and don't allow the opinions, callings, and preferences of others define you. God will help you find your place where you will function in the role He called you to.

Pastor's Wives: What Do YOU Think?

The following blogpost was written by Pastor Gary Lamb, who I think is phenomenal. I do. I am curious to "bounce" his thoughts around a bit in the circles I run in, just because I am curious. After reading the article, if you have a minute answer the four questions that follow in a comment... or even better yet, blog your view and link back to me! (This pertains to church planting wives and apstors wives)

My personal thoughts? I'll blog them tomorrow.

Repost: Church Planting Wives
I wrote the following post over 3 years ago and for some reason it has gotten a lot of buzz this week. My understanding is there is a forum or something for church planting wives and they posted a link to it. Anyway, people have been sending me thoughts on it so I thought I would repost it here again in the hope that it will be a help to a church planter as he plants a church and balances having a family. I told our staff today that a lot of guys are successful at building a church but complete failures when it comes to being husbands. Anyway, here is the post just as I wrote it 3 years ago with a few minor tweaks where it would make sense.

Today (Not today but three years ago) Ben posted about the tears, burnout, and stress that the wives of church planters go through.

His exact words were:

“Most Church Planter’s wives are in tremendous pain. Tears streaming down their faces from the emotional, spiritual, and physical exhaustion of starting a new work.”

I have seen this and I couldn’t agree more.

However I feel that this is a result of us as church planters putting our wives in position’s they should not be in. It is that plain and simple.

I’ve been around a lot of church planters and I know many won’t agree with this post, that is why I have waited so long to post it but please realize that I am not trying to be a mean with what I am about to say but this is a huge problem and it needs to be fixed.

I am in my second church plant (and last), I have been in full-time ministry since I was 20 (I’m now 29 EDIT: Now I’m 32) and I have to say DeAnna has never went through this or experienced burnout, wanting to quit or hating ministry and it is because I made some choices early on in my ministry.

1.) God did NOT call my wife to pastor this church. DeAnna is 100% behind what I do. She could not imagine doing anything else with our lives BUT I pastor and lead this church not her. There is no reason for her to feel the pressure or stress that comes along with doing what I do. She doesn’t have to give me advice on every decision that the church makes. She is my wife not the other pastor of the church.

2.) She doesn’t need to know every thing that happens. DeAnna and I talk a lot and we talk about the church a lot, however I do not tell her every thing. There are things she doesn’t need to know because it will change the way she looks at situations, people, or events. If she knew what people have said to me or have done to me, it would cause her to get bitter and angry. She doesn’t need to know every thing.

3.) She doesn’t have to be at every thing. Being married to me is rough. Besides being married we have two wonderful children. They are a full time job. She attends what she wants too or what we feel would be good for her to be at but she does not attend every thing the church does. There is no need for that and all that does is burn your wife out. The church needs to know she has other responsibilites then just them.

4.) I am VERY outspoken about complaining to my wife. In our membership class and from the stage I have made it very clear that if you have a complaint about the church or me you better not go to my wife with it. That is what cowards do and we need to let our church know she is not the complaint department.

5.) She serves where she feels called. Early in my ministry I made my wife play the good pastor’s wife. Not anymore. I only expect of her what I expect of every other member of Revolution. She must serve somewhere. For the first 9 months she led our preschool ministry. When she was ready to quit and turn it over to someone else, she did. She now serves weekly in our Planet Shakers area because she want to serve there.

6.) I don’t dump all my problems on her. The reason your wife hates ministry is because she sees and hears that it is tearing you apart. All she hears is the negative stuff and because of her love for you, it upsets her. She doesn’t need that.

7.) I don’t cheat on her with the ministry. Most pastors are having on an affair on their wife with the church they pastor. This might not be popular but I would let all of Canton die and go to hell before I allowed my wife to grow bitter and stressed in her feelings for God. I work a lot of hours. I leave the house at 5 in the morning and I usually am not home until about 6:00 p.m. but when I get home, it is time for her and the kids. I talk ministry all day, I don’t want to or need to talk it with her.

8.) She loves where we are at. If DeAnna wasn’t happy, we would leave. She knows that. That is important to me. I have had several job offers lately that I didn’t accept (I’m here until I die, I hope) but if I would have she would have killed me because she is happy here. That is important to me and she knows it.

9.) I don’t put financial pressure on her. Church planting is hard and the pay stinks. Of course she lives by guidelines when it comes to spending but when things are tight I don’t pressure her or make her feel guilty in this area. She has not worked since we have had kids and that has been fine. God called me to plant a church, God called her to be a mother.

10.) I date my mate. We make time for each other. No matter what is happening in our lives, we make time for each other. It might be sitting around the house after the kid are a sleep but we spend one on one time with each other no matter what. You need to make time for you wife. I tell my church all the time, “If you don’t make time for your spouse, someone else will.”

11.) I made sure she felt called. We had a lot of discussions on this matter. Just as God called me here, He called her. She has a different role but she has the same call. That is so important. I know that I know this is where God would have us to be and part of that call is because she feels the same way.

12.) I protect her. Under NO circumstances will I allow someone at church to hurt her. You haven’t see redneck until you see how I will react. I will not allow her to be attacked, I will not allow her to be taken advantage of, I will not allow her to be put in a bad position, etc. She knows that.

Church planter, listen to me. Your wife is the most important thing in your life. You have the duty to make sure she isn’t feeling stressed, pressured, or bitter about church planting. If she is, chances are good you have not protected her as you should have.

I meet with church planter’s and their wives all the time and I am amazed at the ready to quit attitudes of most wives.

Ladies, know your role as well. Remember God called you to be a help mate to your husband, not run the church.

I am so passionate about this topic. I could not do what I do without my wife. She is my anchor and I will do whatever it takes to keep her from feeling what most planter’s wives feel.

You should do the same for your wife.

Okay, here are the questions.... (and feel free to elaborate in whatever way you would like in your response:

1.) Does you husnband lead/pastor the church himself or do you partner with him in leading/pastoring? 2.) Do you prefer that your spouse keeps you in the dark regarding pressures from the church, (i.e. financial, pastoral care, etc.)? 3.) What issues as a wife in ministry do you feel bring you the most grief? 4.) What, if anything, would you add/change about Pastor Lamb's post?

I am looking forward to reading your thoughts!

My Guest Appearance @ Church Planting Wives Series

I am blogging over at Truly Captivating (Suzanne Reeder) today. She is doing a Church Planting Wives Series and she asked me to post today... so stop by! We are blog/twitter/FB freinds. We met through our hubbies (Craig (me)/Chris (her)) who talk church planting from time to time. The Reeders are launching/planting Revolution Church in Florence, SC. Suzanne is a precious woman of God who has a sweet spirit! I am blessed and privileged to call her my friend!

By the way she is ALSO doing a giveaway for those who comment this week! The prize will be a Gift Box including THIS, THIS, THIS and THIS!!! Pretty neat, huh? Suzanne thought you could use some pampering, and these are some of her FAVORITE things!! So don’t forget to leave your comments on each post. You’ll only be entered once, but she wants to know what you think about this series. Feedback is always a good thing! ;-)

I'll talk with ya'll soon!

Eugene Echo on Who Needs to Stand for Women in Ministry

This is a blog post by Eugene Echo... a good read!

An Interview with Rob Bell

Well, I finally met Rob Bell last night and had an intense conversation with him. Kind of. Like indirectly.

He was in Seattle for the Seeds of Compassion event with the Dalai Lama. I have no problem with that at all. I would have loved to have been invited to participate but no one called my agent. But since Rob Bell was in town, Off the Map invited him and a few other folks to speak to an intimate crowd of about 150 folks at an event hosted at the Vineyard Community Church.

Rob Bell spoke initially and eloquently for about 15-20 minutes on the thrust behind his upcoming book entitled, Jesus Wants to Save Christians. Here’s a short but fascinating description:

There is a church not too far from us that recently added a $25 million addition to their building. Our local newspaper ran a front-page story not too long ago about a study revealing that one in five people in our city lives in poverty.

This is a book about those two numbers. It’s a book about faith and fear, wealth and war, poverty, power, safety, terror, Bibles, bombs, and homeland insecurity,

It’s about empty empires and the truth that everybody’s a priest, it’s about oppression, occupation, and what happens when Christians support, animate and participate in the very things Jesus came to set people free from.

It’s about what it means to be a part of the church of Jesus in a world where some people fly planes into buildings while others pick up groceries in Hummers.

Ok, that’s when things got a little awkward and we had our indirect conversation. After his chat, Rose Madrid Swetman [co-pastor at Vineyard] came up to interview/dialogue with Rob Bell about the topic of women and leadership in the church. For the record, Rob supports women in leadership and has female elders at his church, Mars Hill [Grand Rapids]. Absolutely no relation to that Mars Hill [Seattle].

And how did she begin her interview? She reads a quote [with permission] from someone named Eugene Cho who wrote the following comment on someone’s blog about the church being a White Man’s World:

…we have to ask how are we as revolutionary followers of Jesus - who debunked the systemic structures during his life - are working, living, ministering, writing, speaking and creating to work towards that end.

Power, voice and influence are not easily pursued [and obtained]. It must be distributed and shared from those who have that very power, voice and influence. And because it is so counter-cultural, we have to be that much more intentional.

As a male, I am embarrassed at times at the manner in which we [men] directly, indirectly, or systemically oppress our sisters. While there’s a legitimate female candidate for the president of this country, there are many [in the church] who still wonder if women should be in leadership. I know that [for them] it’s a biblical issue and not intended to be a personal issue but why would women want to subject themselves to these questions again and again and again…

Rob like others must have thought, “Who the frack is Eugene Cho?”

Actually, I felt bad for Rob because I’m not sure if he had an idea what the conversation was going to be about. Because honestly, he didn’t really impress during the interview. He stumbled through his thoughts and words and I’m not even sure if he understood what Rose was trying to communicate to him.

Rob - for better or worse - is a Christian celebrity. He’s a good guy and I very much dig his humility. The dude is not arrogant or self seeking like someone I know who has a self-righteous pharisaic image of himself praying on his blog banner. But honestly, I am amazed how globally popular and influential he is as proven by his books, NOOMA videos, packed out speaking gigs in venues like the Paramount Theater in Seattle, and even a recent write up in Time Magazine.

It was awkward because my words were quoted but I wasn’t able to dialogue with him. If I had a chance, I think this is what I would have said:

Hey Rob. I’m a growing fan and by the way, I like the buzz haircut.

So, this is what I’m trying to get at.

If you haven’t figured it out yet…It’s a White Man’s world. And well, you are a White Man. In fact, you are an especially powerful and influential White Man. The church, unfortunately, is no different than the structures of the larger culture. It is also dominated by White Men. While women and people of color shouldn’t create a state of dependency on the support of White Men, it is encouraging - nevertheless - to be supported by White Men including those who are visible and influential. This would be you.

Certain people have power and sadly, the power structures are such that it tends to perpetuate the advantages of those who have power. And while there have been advances, I know you will agree that there have been some grave injustices against women throughout the history of the church including the present day. And while you have female elders in your church, I guess the question I want to ask is how are you actively and intentionally supporting and advocating for women through your larger ministry beyond your local church.

Why am I asking this? Because people are listening…

Rob Bell is bluntly, one of the most visible and influential figures of Christianity in the 21st century. He is arguably the face of the emerging Evangelical Christianity in North America. It must be both a burden and blessing and I’m interested how he will use the platform of his visibility to distribute and share that power and influence.

For women and on a lesser level, people of color, it’s an uphill journey. It just is. And if you have to ask…you just don’t understand. And on this uphill journey, it’s uplifting when those who have power can acknowledge and advocate for those on this uphill journey.

Interestingly, Mark Driscoll and Rob Bell both pastor churches called Mars Hill - as I shared earlier. And last year, there was some crazy ruckus because Driscoll called out Rob Bell as a heretic at some sort of leadership conference. Ahh, as the Christian Subculture World Turns.

And for the record, one of my best theological conversations - ever - was with Mark Driscoll over the issue of women in leadership nearly seven years ago over an intense but good lunch. Driscoll has been one of the most vocal, if not the single most vocal antagonist in our generation of women in pastoral/elder leadership. And while I know there are some great things going on with Driscoll and MH Seattle, it is stunning and alarming [depends on your perspective I guess] to see the spread of his theological influence. And so, I guess I’m wondering who might be the other person(s) [of similar or comparable influence] who will speak passionately and prophetically in full support of women in leadership. Why am I asking this question? Because they have the power and influence.

What do you think?

http://eugenecho.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/my-conversation-with-rob-bell/

"Before He Speaks" Video

Yes, yes, yes, my posting has been erratic over the last week. I've been a little busy... more about that later.. right now... take a look at the video below.

All you pastor's wives and married women in ministry will get a chuckle AND relate a bit... THIS is great... very funny.... so, before you press play, just think back to the last time your sweet husband used you in a sermon illustration... WITHOUT your permission...



The problem is, there are some unwritten rules (see post by Andrea)
that our ministry husband may not be aware of... Lord help our men!!! LOL!!! (this is meant to be tongue in cheek!)

"Rules of the “Normal Pastors’ Wives Club”

Some of the rules you are about to read are good ones, things we should do as the wife of the pastor, but others are a bit strange, but you’d be amazed at the number of pastors’ wives striving to follow them all (or are trapped following them all). Sometimes I break these rules and get put on probation. Some of the rules are good reminders. I can’t share them all–I’d loose my patch.

1. No swearing.

2. All farts must be held in until you reach a place of solitude.

3. Your children must be well behaved, well groomed and never do anything wrong.

4. Your home must be clean at all times, and not just when guests are coming over.

5. You should have a model walk with the Lord.

6. You must like everyone in the church, but be okay with them all not liking you.

7. You must be comfortable with your life being public information.

8. Messing up is discouraged, but should you do so hiding it might not be a bad idea.

9. Smile at church. Cry in the car. Pray at home.

10. Find out what everyone in your church expects of you and accomplish those things, even at the cost of your sanity and the health of your family.


I just couldn't help but share this stuff.....

Love & Blessings!

"Hearing Him"

Four years ago, almost to the day, Craig and I went through a painful experience in ministry. It could have been a devastating experience, but God… yeah, I could stop right there and just say BUT GOD.

To make an incredibly long and complicated story short, God strategically placed some incredible people around us to hold our arms up. Among those were Pastors Dave and Jennifer Ragan. Through our relationship with them we were introduced to Drs. David and Vernette Rosier. They, along with the network they lead, have been an incredible source of strength and wealth of wisdom and insight. I could not even begin to share how God has continued to use them as a voice in our lives.

Back to 2004, we were blessed to be able to attend a series of meetings in which there was a tremendous prophetic flow. Craig and I were happy to be there, anywhere really, we were in pain, having an extremely difficult time understanding why things happened the way they did. We felt misunderstood and had even started to doubt ourselves. You know you are in a tough place when you begin to question God. To be honest, that is where we were.

During a time of praise and worship, Dr. Vernette Rosier called for Craig and I to come to the front. We hadn’t even been introduced. As we stood there we both began to weep, the heaviness we’d been carrying how finally proven to just be too much. As we stood there she began to “read our mail.” Literally, God rocked our world that night. Much of it is quite private and personal, so I won’t quote it word for word. However, tonight I was praying and the Lord brought a portion of what she said to mind. As she prayed for us, she said that we had been misunderstood basically because we had often times tried to fit into a mold that we were not built from. She said God had called us (in a spiritual sense) to be a bulldozer (me) and a steam roller (Craig). She went on and expanded on these things, however, it has not been until recently, in the last few months that God has rattled Craig and I to the point where we have come to a full knowledge of exactly what that meant.

I was studying the Word during my time of prayer and worship and I opened my Bible to Jeremiah 1:10.

The NIV…
“See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.”

My favorite translation though is The Message… (verses 9-10)

“God reached out, touched my mouth, and said, "Look! I've just put my words in your mouth—hand-delivered! See what I've done? I've given you a job to do among nations and governments—a red-letter day! Your job is to pull up and tear down, take apart and demolish, And then start over, building and planting."”

I could literally stop right here and wither preach an entire sermon, weep for hours or lay on my face in worship for days… possibly all of the above. I cannot tell you exactly what all of this means right now, but in time, in time, I will share an awesome testimony that will put these strategic piece of God’s plan right where it is supposed to go in the plan for Craig and I and our girls.

Isn’t God awesome!!!!???

Love & Blessings!

A Tribute to Wives...

My husband Craig posted a really special blogpost today... I thought I would share it here...

"Putting Power in Your Prayers"

I have been studying about "Honor" for several weeks. This week God showed me something, I would like to share with you.

1 Peter 3:7
Husbands, likewise dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel.

Here are several thoughts, that I received out of this scripture.

* Weaker vessel doesn't mean your wife is below you, it only means she can't bench press 300 pounds. The amplified says physically weaker to all you chauvinistic men out there. She may be weaker (physically) than you are , but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life.

* We are equal partners, joint heirs... She receives the same grace, anointing, and potential as I do.

* Peter goes on to say that when we do not properly honor our wives, our prayer will not be answered (ouch!). If you honor your wife, you can have confidence in your prayers to God.

* Let me speak to some husbands, including me, do you treat your wife as valuable? D you listen to her words, or do you shun her? I have learned the hard way that most wives are far more discerning than we are, and more often than not, if we fail to listen to them, we will experience pain

* In the Kingdom of God there is neither male nor female... (Gal. 3:28). If you take the masculine and the feminine and put the two together and you'll find the complete reflection of God's image, Genesis tells us that He created him, male and female He created them (Genesis 1:27). God created him in His own image, but "him" is spelled out "male and female". It takes the male and female to give us the full representation of God. For that reason Paul states, "Nevertheless, neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord" (1 Cor. 11:11).

* We honor our wives in two ways: first as the weaker vessel (means we treat them like ladies) by protecting them, opening doors for her, pulling out the chair in the restaurant, protecting her from rude people (always protect), it also means we should prefer our wives, for example if you only have enough money to buy one outfit for a special occasion, buy it for her instead of buying one for yourself.

To lead in the Kingdom is not dominating but serving, always prefer her desires to yours unless it is a major decision and you have clear direction from God.

Secondly, by honoring them as joints heirs. This means she has equal standing in the eyes of God. This is contrary to most denominational mindsets. Women are not inferior, you don't have an advantage over them because you are a man. God's favor is held from Churches that believe the women are inferior. In fact you will find oppression, heaviness, and bondage in these places.

We must ask ourselves some questions, in some Churches why are women not included in the leadership teams? Why are females not given the same privilege to minister as the men? Why are women not included on the pastoral teams of some Churches? Why do we hear the Fathers voice and not the mother's voice? The body of Christ has been crippled due to the dishonor shown to women.

* Joel prophesied of the full restoration of women in ministry in the final days of the Church (Acts 2:17-18).

Psalms 68:11 says in the amplified, "the Lord gives the word (of power); the women who bear and publish (the news) are a great host (company).

* The first evangelist was Mary Magdalene, Jesus himself commissioned her to go tell the disciples, He had risen (John 20:17-18), and in Luke's gospel she was the lead speaker in proclaiming the Lord's Resurrection (Luke 24:10). The first person to speak to others of the Messiahs arrival was Anna (Luke 2:38). Philip had four daughters who spoke the word of the Lord (Acts 21:9) (I have 5 young evangelist). How can we fulfill the great commission if over half of the body of Christ is not honored to fulfill their calling?

Here is what we get men if we honor our wives.

1) Fulfilled women who are free to give full expression to what God's called them to do. The opposite is they will be depressed, unfulfilled, and limited.

2) Double the fruitfulness and maximum potential. You can produce and accomplish more together than you can by yourself.

3) Fulfilled Love life. If we honor our wives, they will honor us (yea baby!) Some men are still wondering why they never get sex from their wives, it is because if you treat them like they are nothing, you will get nothing!

4) Your children will serve the Lord. It is much easier for your children to serve the Lord if they can see the fullness in God than if they see division in the home. Who wants to serve a God that treats women like that. Let's be real men at home and not just at Church.

5) Answered prayer and open doors.

6) The Lord's blessing and favor on your finances, family, and faith. I believe one of the number one reasons marriages struggle with finances is because we don't honor our wives.

Let me finish by clarifying, I'm not a expert, I have not been perfected in this, but I can tell you I will strive to honor my wife in every way possible. From 1999 to 2004 I was on the road preaching. All I remember is getting on airplanes and getting off. Tara never complained, she was behind me and beside me 100%. I know someday, I will have the privilege and honor of carrying her bags and holding the fort as she travels all over the world preaching the gospel, I always tell people, she is a much better communicator than me, and I also know she will write many best selling books.

Here's to you babe, I will do my best to honor you for the rest of our lives. God, forgive me when I haven't.

You can read more from Craig at Positioned for Greatness..

Love & Blessings,

Pastors' wives know joy & pain

I came across this article yesterday while doing some research for “Confessions…” It was dated ion 2003 but I had never read it before. I thought I’d share it. I have also highlighted a few excerpts that were of particular interest… Enjoy!

Pastors' wives know joy & pain
___By Jo Gray
___Special to the Standard
___Wanted: Adult female to serve without pay. Must be able to function without complaint as secretary, music director, nursery worker, janitor, auxiliary president and fund-raiser. On call 24 hours a day. Cooking abilities a plus. Good sense of humor helpful.
___In many churches, this is the unpublished job description of the pastor's wife--perhaps the only profession that has no real job description but is deemed vital to her husband's success.
___Lawyers do not depend on their wives to defend clients. Doctors don't need their wives in the operating room. But in many churches, a pastor needs his wife in the ministry.
___Pastors' wives sometimes see themselves not only without a title or job description but without an identity.
___"I've got a name, and it's not 'The Pastor's Wife,'" said one pastor's wife, summing up her frustration of being identified with her husband's occupation in a way most women are not.
___"As soon as I am introduced as the pastor's wife, I know I will be seen as someone to fill a vacancy and provide chicken casseroles when the need calls for it," said this woman, who asked not to be named.
___Other pastors' wives find joy in what they once would have considered obligation. Lisa Newton, for example, has been a pastor's wife nearly 14 years. She currently teaches a Sunday School class of teenagers.
___"When I was new to the ministry, I would have felt inadequate to teach," she explained. "Now I do it because it is in my heart to do so."
___Ruth McKay, another pastor's wife, experienced a clear call from God to be a pastor's wife when she was 14. Today, she also finds personal fulfillment in teaching children at church.
___Even after 50 years of being married to a pastor, she feels certain about her own call to serve. "God revealed it to me," she said.
___"You have to be willing and able to answer God's call," McKay said. "I've done more of what God has wanted me to do rather than what the church wanted."
___Yet expectations often are hard to break.
___Newton said she never will forget the time she was asked by a member of a small congregation if she played the piano or sang. When she told the inquirer she did neither, she was asked, "What do you do?"
___"People just assume the pastor preaches and you must sing and/or play the piano," Newton said. "It is part of the role and is often expected of the pastor's wife."
___Sometimes, this expectation becomes part of the job interview if churches are seeking a package deal when hiring the pastor, she said.
___One of the hardest things for her as the pastor's wife, Newton said, is losing her own identity.
___"As a mother, I am known as Brooklyn's mom or Brittan's mom. And I am known as the pastor's wife. I don't mind being called Lisa."
___The life of a pastor's wife can be lonely at times, Newton said, explaining that she and other pastors' wives live in a situation that, by its nature, limits close personal friendships.
___"You're surrounded by people, yet you are often alone," she said. "I believe this is why many pastors' wives become depressed and somewhat withdrawn. We all need someone we can be honest with and share our feelings with--someone to understand."
___ Yet the pastor's wife cannot confide in the women of the church about family issues, because these are the women who confide in her husband when they themselves are faced with the same kind of issues.
___"You have to minister to the minister, but there is no one to minister to me," said one young pastor's wife who asked not to be identified. She fears that to share her real feelings is too big a risk to take.
___Another young pastor's wife agrees but said there are times when sharing is important.
___"I have learned, so far, that being in the ministry automatically puts you in that fish-bowl status," said Melissa Adams, who has been a pastor's wife less than two years. "People are always looking for fault, which they will find at some point or another because we are human."
___She echoed Newton's feelings of loneliness.
___"That sense of loneliness can soon allow self-doubt to creep into our lives," she said. "We no longer feel we are doing a good job in any of our roles. The job we have doesn't always produce tangible results. That in itself can make us doubt our self-worth."
___McKay, on the other hand, said she and her husband have always been a part of the community in which they serve, which has given them no lack of friends or the time to feel lonely.
___"I recall the words of an old church member who said, 'Being lonely is a sin,'" McKay said. "I'm inclined to agree. I read. I talk to the flowers. I even talk to my toes if need be."
___Jeanie Mayfield fell in love with and married a sailor who had no interest in serving God at the time. She has watched God work in the life of her husband, who currently is a pastor. And now as a pastor's wife, she has had to adjust to expectations that are beyond her expertise.
___"I am totally inadequate at taking charge and planning dinners and a lot of functions," she explained. "This was intimidating at first, but I have learned that God always blesses me with ladies who are very good at this sort of thing."
___Now widowed, Sharon Escobar served as a pastor's wife for more than 40 years. She was 16 years old when she married a minister.
___"I was so young and inexperienced that my biggest problem was me," she said. "I would lay awake at night and worry that I would ruin my husband's life because I was so ignorant."
___Escobar now realizes that a pastor's wife is first of all a human being with the same wants and needs as any other woman. Yet she knows members of the congregation do not always acknowledge this fact.
___"I believe our expectations of ministry and the belief that certain things are expected of us as pastor's wives can cause a lot of frustration," Escobar said, recalling how she felt when she had to be involved in every aspect of church work in her younger days.
___"This resulted in a very tired wife and mother," she said. "Gradually, I learned there has to be a balance in anyone's life if there is to be anything that is worthwhile."
___Success as a minister's wife also requires turning the proverbial "other cheek," McKay added.
___"I have swallowed a lot of hurt," she said. "But it is better to take the criticism than to break up the church. I've been criticized for hugging, but if I can give a hug, it's one thing I can do that may make a difference."
___Sandy Brooks, too, has learned to deal with the hurtful things people say to her as a pastor's wife. She has served alongside her pastor husband 28 years.
___She tries to consider the source and not let words get her down. "Negative remarks usually come from immature Christians," she explained. ___A key to surviving such incidents is to be secure, Brooks added. "We have to be secure in our relationship with our husband. We have to be secure in our relationship with the church, with God and with ourselves."
___And that gets back to calling.
___"I believe being a pastor's wife is as much a calling as being called to preach," Brooks said. "It is a calling, not a chosen profession."
___There is joy to be found in the journey, she insisted. ___"Seeing lives change for the positive, that's what keeps us going," Brooks said. "In the ministry, people come to us seeking help and reassurance. If everything around me is going bad but I can help one person, it is uplifting."

Words Cannot Express...

I have finally recovered after tackling the mountain of work I had following the Unstoppable! Conference in Tampa, FL. Oh, it was SO wonderful. I am a lover of words and writing yet I do not believe I could find in words what this conference did for me. It was truly orchestrated and divinely appointed by God! Those of you who know me personally know some of the battles I have been overcoming. The time I spent with many women who bear the same badge I do brought a refreshing to my spirit that I desperately needed! For that I thank Pastor Deanna Shrodes for hearing the heart of God for this elite group of women and acting on it! Thanks to Pastor Lindsey Barta as well for jumping on board and co-hosting with PD! Ladies you ROCK!

It was such a joy to meet some of those from the Pastoring Partners boards as well! Trace and TwoAsOne is was so neat to put faces with the screen names we use! I look forward to many more meetings and times of encouragement together!

My heart has been SO full since I got back home. There has been a shift in my thinking and in my determination. It is as if the Holy Spirit got in my face and said, “Okay, here are your choices… “Retreat and run… OR suck it up, be who you are called to be and be unstoppable IN SPITE of every opposition.” Well, being the woman called me to be I did choose the second statement, MOSTLY because it is my heart to be and do ALL God has called me to, but to be honest it was also partly because I am a southern girl with deep roots and strong wings who doesn’t like to quit! Tell me I can’t and watch it happen!

I met SO many incredible women this weekend. The best part was being reminded that I am not alone! I heard story after story and cried more than I have in awhile over the issues my sisters are facing. Don’t get me wrong, this was not a comparison of war wounds and scars, rather it was an incredibly intimate setting that provided a safe haven for the precious daughters of God to be real without the fear of being judged, scoffed at, or real. Pastor Jennifer Lee shared her testimony and basically turned herself inside out. She is a powerful and shining example of God’s grace and His overwhelming love for His daughters. She also is a living, breathing and shining example of His determination that we fulfill our destiny in Him!

I also attended some awesome breakout sessions with Pastor Andrea Fruscella shared some great biblical knowledge and examples of pastoring partners as well as her heart relating to this topic. It was such a treat to watch her lug around a high heeled shoe fit for the wife of Gulliver! (You had to be there!)

Pastor Sandy Phinazee really inspired me at her session about breaking intimidation. Her honesty and candid approach reeled me in as she challenged and provoked me to cast off intimidation!

I blogged about Pastor Sherri Hawley earlier but truly, her message on casting off the cloak of comfort and picking up the towel of service has not left me. I find myself referring to it almost daily! As a matter of fact my husband has been so intrigued by hearing about it he can’t wait to get the CD and hear it himself!

Pastor Deanna shared an inspired message “Why Women Stop” which unlocked what I call a “breaker” anointing in the Hilton Garden Inn that evening! Women prayed through and pressed in with one another. So many were set free and had things broken off of them. I believe we left a huge pile of chains and weights (spiritually) in the banquet room over the weekend. I was so full of what God was doing I just wanted to grab PD by the shoulders spin her around the room and say, “Look! It is really happening!!! Look what God is doing!!!!”

I cannot go any further until I comment on the praise and worship! Wow! Wow! Wow! Pastor Jen and her team from Southeastern University were awesome! We could have gone all night just loving on Jesus, praising and worshipping Him! One thing that really stuck out to me about the praise team was that Pastor Jen demonstrated what Spiritual Mothering and/Mentorship (whatever you want to call it) is really all about! She empowered these young ladies and allowed them to step into the anointing. It was really something to experience!

I forgot to mention the panel discussion that took place on Saturday morning. What a great deal of wisdom and experience went forth! The panelists took off their masks and jumped in with both feet! It is rare to experience the “real-ness” of pastoral leadership. Sometimes we just aren’t allowed to be human!

Pastor Lindsey Barta closed the conference with an encouraging and empowering plea for women living in ministry to become unstoppable TOGETHER. I was inspired and moved by her words and I could not wait to grab her after the service and tell her that she did an awesome job. She definitely has the DNA of the Lord and of her pastors/spiritual mentors. The enemy needs to watch out!

Before I sign off this posting, let me say that if you are in a woman in a ministry leadership capacity, don’t miss this conference next year! I don’t say this lightly! I have been to dozens of conferences in my life. This conference was hands down one of; if not THE most beneficial conference I have ever attended. If you are in need of encouragement and a place to let your hair down make sure you attend next year!

Love & Blessings!

Unstoppable is INCREDIBLE

WOW!!! That is how I feel about the first evening of the UNSTOPPABLE Conference! Pastor Deanna & Pastor Lindsey pulled out every stop and let me tell you, if you missed this conference, NEVER do it again! I can say (honestly) and without prejudice, that this conference is undoubtedly one of, if not THE best conference I have ever attended.

Excellence is stamped all over this event! I mean it! I hope to have some pictures tomorrow. The banquet meal was delicious- from the salad all the way down to the chocolate cake with raspberry sauce! (I only ate 1/2- which was 6 ww points). The conversation and company was delightful and inspiring. It is SO great to be surrounded by so many powerful women of God!!!

The praise and worship was, yes PD, "off the chain!" Pastor Jennifer Lee and her team were incredible! And the Word was brought by Pastor Sheri Hawley who brought a timely message! She shared the importance and necessity of throwing off your cape of comfort and picking up the towel of service. This message really hit home and I am SO convinced that this entire weekend is a DIVINE set up for me and all of the attendees.

If you were unable to attend, make sure you visit www.northsideag.org and find out how you can purchase the audio messages. Believe me- it is well worth the investment and it is only day 1!!! Stay tuned for more later this weekend!!!

Love & Blessings!

PD Are You With Me?

And oh YES she is! I am thrilled to announce the launching of a brand new venture and well, ministry. This was conceived in both of us separately and then birthed through prayer, confirmation, and with great passion.

I am so honored and excited to partner with a truly amazing woman of God who is confident and comfortable in her calling, co-founder of Equal Time, Rev. Deanna Shrodes. Got you curious yet? Read below for a great launch story about Equal Time written by Deanna and stop by soon!

Today is National Women's Equality Day! As Christians, and particularly as Assemblies of God believers, we celebrate women! Our fellowship officially holds an egalitarian view, meaning that we believe in the Biblical equality of women. The Assemblies of God celebrates and encourages women in leadership. This is just one great facet of this incredible group of believers of which we are a part.

In fact, our new superintendent-elect of the Assemblies of God, Rev. George O. Wood, has done some extensive Biblical research and much writing and speaking on this issue and is a passionate advocate for the equality of women. To read one of his sermons on this topic, go here. Superintendent Elect Dr. George Wood

Pastor Deanna has co-launched a new multi-writer blog along with her long time friend, Pastor Tara Sloan, another Assemblies of God pastor/pastor's wife from Chicago, IL. This blog is called "Equal Time" and will feature thought provoking writings from some of the best egalitarian writers today. They have chosen to launch this blog today, August 26 on the historic day of National Women's Equality day. To visit this blog go to Equal Time

It is our prayer that you will find Equal Time to be encouraging, empowering and thought provoking, not only for women, but for men too. Because equality for women is not just a women's issue...much like racial equality, it is all of our concern. We hope you stop by soon and visit us at Equal Time.


e·gal·i·tar·i·an (ĭ-gāl'ĭ-târ'ē-ən) adj. Affirming, promoting, or characterized by belief in equal political, economic, social, and civil rights for all people

Love & Blessings,

Divorce in the Pulpit: What Went Wrong?

My heart was saddened as I learned of yet another couple in ministry deciding to divorce. At first I was going to link the story here, but I opted not to. This couple has enough media attention right now. I have admired this couple and have received from them in a ministry capacity on more than one occasion. They were a powerteam... WERE.... what went wrong?

To top it off I then learned of another former "power couple," this time in the throes of a stormy separation and assault charges. What went wrong?

There will probably be numerous comments from every viewpoint and that's okay. As Americans we are all entitled, however as Christians we are also commanded to love one another. I love these brothers and sisters in the faith and I know God does too. He has not abandoned them and though He hates divorce I believe He will grant them all peace that passes all understanding.

Still, I am left with the probing question of, "what went wrong?"

If I ask some people I will get the whole rundown of "mega preachers and how they have gone wrong" and then I'll ask others and they'll have accusations of infidelity and opinions on women in the pulpit. However, when it all comes down to it, they are human and they make mistakes no matter how anointed they are. And having the pressure and success they have doesn't necessarily make it better or easier, sometimes it makes things surreal.

In my own marriage, Craig and I have gone through our share of issues. We don't always agree and we shouldn't. We are two individuals with different ideas, feelings, and identities. I can't live my life through or for him and he can't live his through or for me. We are in one in Christ and we have vowed to love and honor one another till death do us part. Divorce, for us, will never be an option. And I don't say that lightly, as a matter of fact as I typed that sentence I felt a slight fear run through me. I'm sure those power couples promised the same things. And I won't judge them because, "but for the grace of God, there go I."

I still haven't answered the question, "What went wrong," because frankly, I don't know. These couples were in love, best friends and they dreamed together. They also cried, felt brokenness, felt lonely, and experienced loss together- and alone. They also experienced success together and alone. And I am 100% positive that given another chance they would do many things differently. Wouldn't we all?

I've written a lot about"power couples" in this post. And ya know, I know some dynamic power couples who are still married and I am rooting for them. Personally, I consider Craig and I a "power couple" because we balance each other out with our anointing, strengths, weaknesses, desires, and taste. I am my best when working, walking and ministering beside Craig. Even when we have to be apart we are still flowing in the "same vein." And we love each other.

In closing, please join me in praying for these men and women of God for restoration in their lives and relationships. If God still called David a man after His own heart even when he messed up in his relationships I know there is hope for us all in our own times of weakness.

On the Soap Box With Pastor Deanna

I know I have been kind of MIA. As some of you know I received a promotion/transfer at my secular workplace. I have been in constant training mode and moving into my new office. It has been nice. To be completely honest, it has been a nice diversion. My heart is so heavy right now. Not in a bad way- in a “stirred” way. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately and Pastor Deanna Shrodes has really got my attention these days. Her post entitled “It Shouldn’t Take Courage” has “fired me up.”

Some of you are aware of my current “in-between” status right now. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, trust me, it is the weirdest place I’ve ever been (figuratively speaking). I am a southern girl at heart. Though I was born in the UK, I lived there only briefly. My parents moved us to Florida when I was a toddler. So, the first 30 years of my life was lived in Central and South Florida. I have also lived in Tennessee and Alabama. So, there should be no arguments, I am southern through and through! (grin)

Which brings me to my real topic for this post. In the 35 years I lived in the South I encountered many things when I revealed my identity as a Co-Pastor, or Ordained, Licensed Minister. For the most part people were entirely supportive, they were intrigued by a woman doing something that had generally been acknowledged as a “man’s” job. They were even more fascinated when I revealed that my husband and I co-pastored together. Then of course you had those who were small minded and manipulated the Word to propagate that women should not be in a leadership capacity in the church. However, this was really a small percentage- in the SOUTH!

I am now living in the Midwest in a very modern city, or so I thought. However, I seem to have stepped into a “time warp.” I have had every thing about ME questioned since day one because of my gender and because of who I am married to. Here are a few examples:

1.) WORKING: My decision to work outside our home has posed a lot of questions. This BLOWS my mind because most households are two income households now days. I have even been asked what I did before we moved here and before I could spit out an answer, they retorted, “Housewife?” Now, I have no issues with women who choose to stay home and become (imo) “domestic engineers,” but it is the almost blatant disregard of the fact that I could do anything other than be a “housewife”. I have also been told, “My husband would never LET me work because I had kids.” I REALLY wanted to laugh out loud because there have been times in our marriage where I was the bread winner and supported the family while Craig was finishing college or HE was working at home and caring for our little ones. We are and always have been a TEAM!!! I am working outside the home because up until now I worked as Co-Pastor at our church. It was my job! I was not offered a pastoral position here so I decided to get a job elsewhere. I’ve been working in some capacity since I was 15 years old. This IS 2007 for goodness sake!

2.) MINISTRY: I’m just going to leave well enough alone with this one. Trust me, I’ve been questioned!

3.) IDENTITY: For the first ten years of our marriage I went by Tara Denson-Sloan. Yes, I hyphenated my last name. And it had nothing to do with being a feminist or anti-anything! At the time I had a lot of teaching credentials in my maiden name so it was just easier for me. Since then I still carry the “Denson” but more so as a middle name. Anyway, since moving I have not only shed the Denson, but I have also lost my first name. I am now referred to as “Pastor Craig’s wife” or “your wife” (when mentioned to my husband). When some people call my home, despite the fact that it is my voice that greets them on the voicemail the message is, “Pastor Craig, this is so and so,” and their business… no greeting to me, no mention of me. I am also referred to as a “pastor’s wife” in relation to EVERYTHING. I want to scream, “I have a NAME! I have an IDENTITY! You have NO idea who I am!”

In addition, the way I carry myself, the way I greet (or don’t greet people), and my clothing are all “judged.” I’ve been told that what applies to others does NOT apply to me as I am a “pastor’s wife.” No name, no identity, no credit for what I have accomplished in my life, or where I am going. To certain individuals, I’m just Craig’s wife.

4.) PARTNERSHIP: This has been a natural order for Craig and I. Why is it so difficult for everyone else to grasp? Sadly, they just don’t get it! To further this point, what if we were both physicians and we opened a practice? We would be working together, complimenting one another, tag teaming, and meeting the needs of our patients! Sounds like pastoring, huh? It is the SAME principle!

Thankfully I am secure enough in Christ (although I just did a fair bit of whining!) to shrug most of this off. Or I try to anyway. Unfortunately Craig endures the frustration that I express through what can at times become tearful and I’ll admit painful. However, I am learning through this “season.” I have learned that “ignorance” is a dangerous “enemy” in the lives and minds of Christians. I have also realized how very ignorant I have been. I’ve always been aware of “women in ministry” issues but I never really experienced them. So, I have decided to educate myself. I am researching everything I can relating to religious mindsets that would bound women. I want to be an advocate for women who desire to be in ministry roles. My heart is that EVERY woman realize her potential and destiny in Christ!

As the mother of five daughters I will make it a life goal to see each of my daughters have every opportunity possible to become their destiny! Haley (10) recently confided to me that she wants to be a Pastor when she grows up. I love that she can say that! When I was her age, I knew God had called me to ministry but the only women in ministry models I knew of were women missionaries! So naturally I assumed to be in ministry I had to be a missionary! Of course I found many more role models and heroines in ministry as I grew older!

I’m setting out again. I’m tired of having to listen to everyone else’s opinions on who they think I should be. I’ll not be silenced and I refuse to be boxed in! To quote Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

I have been brutally honest in this posting because I cannot stand the lies the enemy has flooded the church with! We get SO caught up in HAVING church that we forget that we ARE the Church! As Pastor Deanna has so eloquently shared, "All that is necessary for gender or racial prejudice to triumph is for good people to do nothing."

So, PD, thanks for the swift kick in the rear! I’m jumping up on the soapbox with you! I’ve got your back sista!

Extra! Extra! Read ALL About it!

My dear and wonderful friend and fellow minister, Pastor Deanna Shrodes is hosting "Unstoppable!," a dynamic conference for women in ministry. Click on "Unstoppable!" to find out more about this LIFE CHANGING event!

Pastor Deanna Shrodes

Don't Put Me in a Box!

I have issues. Ha! Got your attention. Yes, I have issues, you have issues, and we all have issues! However, one of my biggest issues is not with myself, but with people who try to confine me into what they desire me to be. Honestly, I cannot stand it! Whenever I feel like I am being forced into a box, I come out kicking and screaming. Okay, not literally, but inwardly and when I vent to Craig at home. I simply refuse to be put into a box.

In Jeremiah, the Lord says that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” I take that as meaning we’re all different, because really, what would be so wonderful about making billions of the same person over and over and over?

Maybe it is just me, but I like being different. I like “shocking” people and making them think. Not in a bad way, but in a necessary way!

Craig and I were at a gathering of pastors and ministers once where I had not met some of the people. So, we’re being introduced here and there as “Pastor Craig Sloan, and this is Pastor Craig’s wife.” Now, understand that I was there as a pastor and as a wife. So, at the next introduction, I stepped up and interjected my own introduction. “Hi, I’m Pastor Tara Sloan,” the couple looked at each other and pointed at Craig saying, “and this is…” I interjected again, “Pastor Tara’s husband.”

Craig and I both laughed and re-introduced us as, “Pastors Craig and Tara Sloan, from Oxford, Alabama.” As we walked off the people who had been introducing us tried to explain why they were introducing us the way they were. It really meant nothing to me; I had gotten my point across. I was NOT going into that box!

Even if I were not a licensed pastor, I would still have a problem with being introduced as Pastor Craig’s wife. I mean, of course I am his wife, but I also have a name! And an identity of my own!

For too long, women in ministry and pastors’ wives have been compartmentalized, categorized, labeled, and boxed up. We are expected to act a certain way, talk a certain way, look a certain way, and perform a certain way.

Recently an article published in Time Magazine about pastors’ wives, “Pastors’ Wives Come Together.”, troubled me. At first I thought, “Wow! How great! A secular article about unifying pastor’s wives!” Then I read it and I was disappointed.

The article begins with a ridiculous “job description” for the pastor’s wife. In the next paragraph, looming statistics declare the role of a pastoral spouse as the most miserable job in the universe. In addition, the pastor’s wife is also slated as the number one reason pastors live the ministry.

The article does give kudos to some of the online resources available for “venting purposes” and recipe swapping, but all in all, the article did not do justice to the pastor’s wife. In my opinion, I believe this article stemmed from an ignorant blogger who attempted to blame the Ted Haggard scandal on Pastor Haggard’s wife. I won’t even attempt to go here because that is a post all by itself! And I might add, Pastor Mark Driscoll got quite a bit of “mail” from PWs all over the world for his comments.

Anyway, it is sad situation when pastor’s wives are feeling the way they do. According to statistics:

* Eighty percent of pastor's wives feel left out and unappreciated by the church members.

* Eighty percent of pastors' spouses wish their spouse would choose another profession.

* Eighty percent of pastors' wives feel pressured to do things and be something in the church that they are really not.

* The majority of pastor's wives surveyed said that the most destructive event that has occurred in their marriage and family was the day they entered the ministry.

After reading these statistics and many more, I began to feel a mixture of emotions. First, I felt bewildered! I wondered where in the world they found these women! Who had they spoken to! It was hard for me to grasp.

Then I got angry. I got angry that these women were made to feel this way. I got angry because deep down, every pastoral couple knows that they are both called into ministry together. I got angry because I know the very reason these women are suffering is because they are being forced into a box. They are tired of fighting, they are weary from trying to please everyone, and they are fed up with being expected to be perfect.

I am all for the online support, I frequent those boards myself, but I also know that a lot more than whining, complaining and recipe swapping goes on there. The women on those boards are God fearing, praying, encouraging, talented, called, chosen, and fired up women of destiny!

So, if you are a pastor’s wife, minister’s wife, a woman minister, pastor, or co-pastor, or connected somewhere in between, or if you know someone who fits this description, be encouraged! Don’t let anyone put you in a box! Remember who you are- you are wonderfully and fearfully made!